What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
