whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
