if i died would you start the facebook group?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm like, not good at living.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
