I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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