you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
