ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
