I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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