I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
