the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
