people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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