Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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