GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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