his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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