Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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