I wish I only lived at night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
