is your mom at the bar?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
