Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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