He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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