I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
