i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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