Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
