Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
