And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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