WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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