all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
