I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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