Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
