Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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