Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Randomize
