I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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