I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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