He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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