if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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