the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
As shirtless as possible
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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