If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
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Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
His nipple licking is glorious
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