Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
