I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
