how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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