I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
