I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
