I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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