i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
