i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
