for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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