The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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