life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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