Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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