Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In other news, I just burned my penis
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
