Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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