I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
