i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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