At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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