If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
