drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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