apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
