Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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